Monday, December 16, 2013
The hit record written by Leiber & Stoller back in 1959, Love Potion #9, was originally recorded by The Clovers and published by the Aberbach brothers who owned Hill & Range Songs Inc. It’s been covered by over twenty five other artists since its original release. Although it’s a spoof on a chemical concoction that makes people fall in love, it’s not so far from the truth.
Romantic love has recently been shown to be a chemical addiction, similar to drugs and alcohol, but, when all goes well, it supports life instead of diminishing it. The chief chemical component in romantic love is oxytocin, a neurotransmitter produced in the brain that creates a sense of trust and cleaves us to our love interests. When we are betrayed, although we may feel abused and defiled, we can continue clinging to the offender because of our need to replace that “loved” feeling. The immediate cessation of the chemicals we recognize as love, may cause us to long for the treacherous culprit just like an alcoholic craves a drink.
“No Contact” is all about getting rid of the desire and longing that comes with separation. The victim must be able to gain perspective that enables them to see the forest, not just the trees. The bigger picture, the moral depravation of the betraying party, is far too important to allow ourselves to camouflage their actions by attributing good feelings to them. It is too easy for a predator to misuse our brain chemistry to wangle their way back into our lives.
Interestingly, the Aberbach fortune existed in the backdrop of the harm I was dealt. They owned a 50% share of Elvis Presley, 10% of the Beatles, and 75% of the music coming out of Nashville. My ex was harbored by Jean Aberbach's widow as he abandoned my child and defrauded me of child support. The irony of oxytocin being akin to Love Potion #9 is particularly poignant for me.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
The best known ways to break free of a predator are to either eliminate all contact or minimize all emotion in dealing with them. Here are the hows and whys of each method.
Romantic love is a form of addiction. Our brains are wired to cleave to our love interests through the production of brain chemistry. It enables us to be trusting and responsive to the voice, smell and touch of another. The most critical chemical component in love is oxytocin, a neurotransmitter. Interestingly, a lack of this same chemical produces the failure of affective empathy to develop in young children and produces the character disorders we know as Cluster B personalities.
When we have contact with a love interest, even one in which betrayal has taken place, our oxytocin receptors begin to operate. We fall back into the patterns of bonding, and have a difficult time suppressing the longing that develops. Part of why we return to a predatory relationship is because our chemical longing for romantic love has yet to subside. Reverting to the predator, even momentarily, sets our oxytocin receptors into motion and prolongs the time frame in which we feel longing.
An alcoholic would consciously recognize their need for a drink to stabilize their craving. But the craving for romantic love lies totally behind our consciousness in the recesses of our brain. If we were alcoholics craving a drink, ultimately the cure would be to remove ourselves from all alcohol consumption because we would have a difficult time controlling our attachment. The same is true for eliminating the attachment to a relationship.
No Contact is the most effective means to break away. It's like going "cold turkey" if you were to quit smoking. Your nicotine attachment would eventually wane and you would begin to feel normal in time. For anyone whose relationship with a predator was not encumbered by business attachments, monetary interests or mutual children to raise, No Contact is the most powerful tool to separate quickly and entirely.
What's the image that comes to mind when you think of a big, gray rock? If it's "boring" you're catching on! Morally disordered predators derive their jollies by getting a rise out of you. They don't care if its good or bad, as long as it's something. Their interest is control and making you do something, anything, feeds their ego. Some disordered folks would prefer the negative, rather than the positive response, even if it hurts them. They receive greater satisfaction in being hurt, than being ignored. So thinking that exploding or unloading will negatively impact them, is untrue.
Ever hear of the law of the soggy potato chip? Here's how it works....
If a small child sits facing you and you hold a piece of candy in one hand and a soggy potato chip in the other, which would they reach out for? By and large, it would be the piece of candy. If you hold a soggy potato chip in one hand and nothing in the other what will they do? The likelihood is that they'll reach for the soggy potato chip.
Like a small child, a "Cluster B" will take any control over your behavior that you give them, good, bad or indifferent. Instead of giving them control, you need to become a big, gray rock. Gray rocks don't give anything. They are simply there, but "there "is a state of neither positive nor negative acknowledgement.
Some instances in which gray rocking is the necessary path to emotional separation include co-parenting, involvement in a business relationship, or when it is necessary to have contact during a divorce. Remember that nothing compels you to answer them or respond, even if they ask a question. It should become pretty clear that you have no interest in engaging when your only response is "Is that all?" You can create a third party entity who can handle your required discussions such as an attorney, family member or friend. Any responses that must be made can be funneled through that person.
Remember that the opposite of love is not hate, it's ambivalence. Reacting to their treachery gives them the concept that you are still attached no matter what form that reaction takes. Ambivalence is your strongest weapon.