Monday, September 15, 2014

BETRAYAL BOND PHENOMENON Did the Rice's marry for love or something else?

Ray Rice was charged with 3rd degree Aggravated Assault against his fiancee, Janay Palmer, on May 27th. According to Jim McClain, Atlantic City Prosecutor, first offense cases of this nature would rarely result in jail time in Atlantic County, NJ, where the offense took place, but it could result in a criminal record. It was likely that Rice, a star NFL player for the Ravens, would have been placed on probation. Ray Rice and Janay married the following day, and Janay declined to press charges.

The new Mrs. Rice's behavior resembles so many victims of domestic assault and abuse in which the offender charms the victim with promises of rehabilitation and pledges their sincere and undying love and fidelity. While others standby and scratch their heads incredulously, thinking, "Can't she see she's being conned by someone who can't control their aggression?" the victim may be blinded by a Betrayal Bond.

Betrayal Bonds are like toxic glue in the brain. Assault is a form of betrayal which triggers an immediate trauma to the condition of being "loved" by the offender. Domestic violence upsets the normal flow of oxytocin, the brain's "love" molecule as well as creating a surge of adrenaline. A marriage conducted subsequent to such trauma could be taking place while the victim is undergoing an adrenaline related "mis-attribution affect."

Couples often feel the result of mis-attribution by experiencing exhilaration-producing circumstances together, such as riding roller coasters, parachuting, or engaging in activities where there's an element of danger. They will often walk away from the activity holding hands or with their arms around each other. How many romantic relationships have been sparked by the county fair?

Betrayal bonds are a heightened sense of attachment that lie in the inner recesses of a person's unconscious brain. While they motivate conscious behavior, they lay completely obscured from view by the victim. Often it takes considerable negative interaction with the perpetrator for the victim to come to grips with reality and break free. Some, like Reeva Steenkamp, the victim of Oscar Pistorius's violent shooting, don't live long enough to walk away.

Those of us who survived the betrayals of disordered loved ones, and either walked away or were discarded by them, are the lucky ones. Although the pain of separation seemed unendurable at the time, and our losses seemed unfathomable, we were freed from the betrayal bond to live our lives in reality, and hopefully, in peace.

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